This month we’ve been looking at religious trauma, when religion harms as much or more than it helps. So far we’ve talked about the signs of Religious Trauma Syndrome, the unholy trinity of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG), and why sorting the positives from the negatives in our spiritual history can prove so difficult.
When I heard of the book, Attached to God: A Practical Guide to Deeper Spiritual Experience, I was immediately intrigued—attachment theory has been very helpful to understanding my own relationship patterns. In case you are unfamiliar, attachment theory states that human infants evolved certain behaviors to ensure close proximity to their caregivers as a means of survival. Not only are these behaviors important to infants, they set the stage for understanding later relationship behaviors. Are you the type who freaks out when your partner doesn't text back? Or do you avoid letting things get that serious in the first place? It could trace back to your early childhood.
Receiving consistent care leads to the development of secure attachment. Babies who are securely attached to their caregivers experience long-lasting benefits, including higher self-esteem and healthier relationship patterns than those with insecure attachment, which is further broken down into three categories: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment.
I knew these attachment styles could speak to relationships between people, but what about our experience of the divine? If the famous bumper sticker is right, and “it’s not a religion, it’s a relationship,” what does that relationship actually look like? We can’t perform many typical human behaviors to engage in a relationship with God. I’m not exactly going to take my invisible buddy Jesus out for a coffee, am I?
Attached to God attempts to fill in some of that mystery, exploring how we relate to God through our secure or insecure attachment styles. (Mayfield categorizes the insecure styles as anxious, “shut down” rather than avoidant, and “shame-filled” rather than disorganized.) In understanding these attachment styles, Mayfield argues, we can understand what’s holding us back in our spiritual walk and take steps towards growth and healing.
I was lucky enough to sit down for a recent interview with Krispin Mayfield where I drew upon my previous conversation with Dr. Marlene Winell—did Mayfield think there was a connection between family dysfunction and religious trauma? Not necessarily.
“It was the theology that I was taught that was harmful,” he clarified. “[If you experience religious trauma] you're not just making this up, and it's not because your parent was bad and you're projecting that into got onto God. You have actually been told these things about God, and if you are told these things, it just makes sense that you're going to feel this way.”
Attached to God offers a quiz to help you identify your predominant way of relating to God, though Mayfield says your style can change depending on circumstances. Reading through the descriptions, I found myself relating to all three styles at different periods of my life, whether it was anxiety about my unholiness, rushing around with various church tasks to avoid dealing with my feelings, or identifying with the shaming messages of sin and Hell.
Rather than running ourselves into the ground trying to please God, Mayfield urges a more balanced approach to spirituality. He draws upon Bible verses and stories relating to God’s role as a loving father. One particularly effective example Mayfield draws upon is the imagery of God as the father in The Prodigal Son. I no longer read the Bible regularly, and as I read through Mayfield’s examples, I found I’d forgotten many of these more positive verses in favor of the judgment-and-genocide God.
It is viewing God-as-good-parent that Mayfield advocates as a solution to our insecure attachment. Through exercises and guided meditations, he urges us to retrain our thinking towards a God who is infinitely kinder and more loving than even the best human parent. He reminds readers of the frequent Biblical instances of sin drawing God nearer to humans rather than bringing distance. After Cain murders his brother, God comes to talk with him. Moses kills an Egyptian and God shows up as a burning bush. Mayfield uses these and other examples to suggest that nothing we can do will drive God away.
Focusing on the loving aspects of God sure sounds nice, but how can we trust this representation of God? Having worked so hard to dispose of a hellfire god, does it make sense to submit to another vision of the divine, however benevolent? Mayfield acknowledges that faith, at this point, is a choice. In his view, “God must be love, and so, if [the voice I’m hearing] is loving and healing then I'm going to trust it.”
But for those who stand at the crossroads of faith and decide to no longer believe, Mayfield doesn’t have any condemnation. On an episode of The Deconstruction Zone podcast he explained, “I think God would rather you have no god than a god who is disgusted by you.” At first, I was shocked to hear a Christian advocate that atheism would be preferable to having a shaming god, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this is probably the view a loving parent-god would take. A loving parent would want what was best for their kids, even if that meant losing that relationship.
So where does this leave us? Do we only believe in God if he’s a harsh, controlling parent? Can we let ourselves be loved without strings attached? Can we picture God running to us, like the father we snubbed, arms outstretched?
I’m not sure I’m there yet. What I can say is that Attached to God has helped me gain some clarity around my spiritual growth, and that I’ll be spending some more time working through the exercises. Mayfield and his wife, D.L., also host a podcast examining Christian cultural ephemera of the 80s and 90s that I’m excited to check out, because who doesn’t have strong feelings about D.C. Talk?
You can follow Krispin Mayfield on social media here and check out the book here. *Quotes lightly edited for length and clarity
Journal/Discussion Questions
Does the image of God as the father in The Prodigal Son story resonate with you? Why/why not?
Does your relationship with your parent(s) mirror or diverge from your relationship with God/the universe/whatever?
What’s the best D.C. Talk song and why?
“I think God would rather you have no god than a god who is disgusted by you.” That is something I’ve held as a rational truth for a long, long time, stemming from a passionate discussion I had with a friend at Seattle Pacific as to whether or not Gandhi would have been allowed into Heaven. That discussion has proven since to be far more edifying than I ever could have expected it to be, and not only am I happy to say that we’re still friends, but over time she has asked arrived at similar conclusions as myself.
There are no good DC Talk songs, though I’m curious about an AC/DC Talk mashup.
Sure does,we were raised to it.Now it seems a quaint tale of regrets. Nope those thoughts exist on two different planes. Not being a fan of rap (in any form) I get to object to the term "song" and resort to a rhythmic,hypnotic ,method of sharing a welcome message to a flock of "anointed" followers.