Why Leaving Religion is so Difficult
Sorting the trash from the treasure in our faith traditions
I dream regularly about church. It’s a real pain in the ass—like my subconscious kicking me in the side while announcing, “We’re not done with this yet!” Sometimes I’m standing in the back of The American Cathedral in Paris, where my husband and I attended one Easter. The choir director has invited anyone who knows Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” up onto the crowded platform to join the choir. Sometimes I take my place among the sopranos, tears running down my cheeks as we tackle that ridiculous string of high notes. Other times I hesitate in the doorway, watching everyone carry on without me. In either scenario I’m pierced with longing.
Lately my dreams have gone towards my childhood church. In these dreams, it’s being torn down, and I want to salvage what I can as my mom tries to coax me into rehearsing a Christian puppet show. But all I can find are handicrafts: exquisitely quilted hot pads, bed dolls with giant crocheted skirts; items that someone has spent a great deal of time making, but which are, for the most part, useless. Still, I keep searching, hoping for a vintage outfit that will fit like a glove and make me feel beautiful.
The symbolism isn’t exactly subtle, but that’s dreams for you. I am trying to salvage something worthwhile from my long years in the faith. But what’s valuable and what’s useless? Some of the garbage is obvious: I want to toss out any trace of religion based on legalism, exclusion, and self-righteousness. Yet while I easily extend compassion to others, it’s harder to extract myself from rigid standards of perfectionism. My logical brain rejects beliefs like Hell and purity culture, but a deeper part of me is still plagued by guilt. So I stand in the doorway, hemmed in by emotional/religious baggage, unable to move either into the sanctuary or out of the doors forever.
The good news is, I’m far from the first person to go through this sorting process. In 2011, Dr. Marlene Winell coined the term “Religious Trauma Syndrome” to describe a cluster of symptoms present among many of her patients who’d left high-demand, controlling, or dogmatic religion. The symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty making decisions, grief, and perfectionism. Winell wrote about the difficulty in leaving high-demand religion in her book, Leaving the Fold. In it, Winell lays out the phases of recovery after leaving a controlling religion:
Separation
Confusion
Avoidance
Feeling
Rebuilding
It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one on this journey, and that on the other side of confusion and grief there will be rebuilding. I started this Substack, in part, because I recognized I had been avoiding dealing with my spiritual issues. I want to move forward. So this month, I’m going to work on unpacking my spiritual baggage. We’ll look at spiritual trauma: what it is, and how we can work past it to figure out a new way forward. I’ve got a stack of books on my nightstand and some exciting interviews planned. I’d love to hear your thoughts and recommendations, too. Let’s get unstuck together.
Journal/Discussion Questions:
Have you left a controlling or dogmatic religion? If so, what phase of recovery are you in?
What resource(s) are you finding helpful as you move forward in your spiritual life?
Are you dying for a post about my past life as an internationally ranked Christian puppeteer?
Why Leaving Religion is so Difficult
Dogmatic ,yes ,but just like "justice" the illusion can never be completely undone. A general view of the world.I'll continue to live but may well find a bit of humor in its reading.The words of others .while helpful,will color my own journey.
Great post, Katharine.
I found Ken Wilber's "The Religion of Tomorrow" to be a helpful, if very long, intro to the worldwide awakening that humanity is (and has been for centuries) mostly seeking the same Divinity, which I now understand to be the Perennial Tradition. From there I found both "Integral Christianity" by Paul Smith and "The Universal Christ" by Richard Rohr extremely helpful.
And the point of these books isn't to justify Christianity, or prove that it's right; but rather to explain who Jesus was within this larger context and understand how we might move forward.