I’m a part of a feminist group that meets every other Saturday to discuss how we can perpetuate the gift economy. I think the fundamentals of such an economy would rely on the principles of “shared wealth” (like food, natural materials, and land) and “pay it forward”. If we can assign value to those principles the way we’ve assigned value to money, maybe we’d get somewhere!
Loved this post. You really put words to something I have been wrestling with internally. Namely, how my struggle for more equity in my marriage - and the valuing of care work in our society generally - is leading me to cognitive dissonance. And I’m realizing the dissonance is because I want to live in a village, in a gift-economy, but because we don’t then I’m forced to want monetary compensation for my care work because that’s the only way we know to assign value to anything!
yeah, something feels weird about assigning a dollar value to care work, though it IS work and that's how we compensate work in our market economy? I think your insight about wanting to live in a village is right on.
Loved this one. Was recently asked to host a playdate so a new friend could hang out with their out of town guest without kids. I liked being asked!
And similarly had to ask an acquaintance to give my son a ride home the other week so my partner and I could go to a comedy show. She genuinely seemed delighted to be asked and even offered to serve him dinner.
My husband had to suddenly fly to the Midwest AND my parents were out of town this week so I had to ask a friend to let my kids tag along to school with her kids. I HATE asking people for stuff. She was delighted to help though (I think?)
the unexpected gift is an absolute nightmare! I've been listening to/reading a bunch of material on different friendships and family structures - it's so fascinating! there are so many ways we could be more involved in each others lives, either as a favor or as just general reciprocity, and yet we still feel like we need to go it alone most of the time.
I've had to lean into this more in the last year with two bigger life changes: becoming a cat parent and receiving treatment for my depression, which I'm unable to drive home from. I am the oldest daughter and feel extremely guilty about asking for help. It's something I'm slowly unpacking in therapy, and I'm realizing how nice it is to ask my coworker to check on my cat over the weekend or scoop me from treatment. I've been reminding myself how if the roles were reversed I would happily do this for friends if I'm available (and I've checked on a couple coworkers cats!). I try to be mindful of my asks though, so I plan on giving a friend who is watching my feline son for 5 days a gift card to a restaurant in her city that her and her boyfriend like a lot. Thank you for the positive reinforcement to keep asking for help.
This has been /such/ a huge theme in my life lately. Asking people for help/favors can be so hard if your brain is wired against it (I’m not the oldest daughter, but I’ve become hyper-independent for other reasons), but it makes life sooo much better if you do.
It's so hard! Hyper-independence is so valued in our culture that many people fail to realize that it can be a trauma response. Good for you for making these changes.
I hit the sentence about taking the Uber to the airport (45 minutes to an hour, depending on traffic, from my home) and it occurred to me that I had been thinking, over the last five or six years, now that we're 3-5 years from retirement, that we're finally prosperous enough that we don't NEED to ask friends, neighbors, or family for help of the "ride to the airport" sort. A sacrifice for them, without being a major one; maybe half a day. Oh, and then can you pick me up on Monday, etc.
What kind of weird dynamic have we built in the Land of the Free and the Self-Sufficient when we're *proud* of being able to do without our village?
I hadn't seen it in that light before, but you brought out in the open for me. Thanks.
I’m a part of a feminist group that meets every other Saturday to discuss how we can perpetuate the gift economy. I think the fundamentals of such an economy would rely on the principles of “shared wealth” (like food, natural materials, and land) and “pay it forward”. If we can assign value to those principles the way we’ve assigned value to money, maybe we’d get somewhere!
Really enjoyed this piece! Thought-provoking.
your group sounds fascinating! I'd love to hear more sometime about how it works.
Here’s the website to learn more! https://www.maternalgifteconomymovement.org
They also have a YouTube channel of all their past gatherings: https://youtube.com/@gifteconomy562?feature=shared
Loved this post. You really put words to something I have been wrestling with internally. Namely, how my struggle for more equity in my marriage - and the valuing of care work in our society generally - is leading me to cognitive dissonance. And I’m realizing the dissonance is because I want to live in a village, in a gift-economy, but because we don’t then I’m forced to want monetary compensation for my care work because that’s the only way we know to assign value to anything!
yeah, something feels weird about assigning a dollar value to care work, though it IS work and that's how we compensate work in our market economy? I think your insight about wanting to live in a village is right on.
Loved this one. Was recently asked to host a playdate so a new friend could hang out with their out of town guest without kids. I liked being asked!
And similarly had to ask an acquaintance to give my son a ride home the other week so my partner and I could go to a comedy show. She genuinely seemed delighted to be asked and even offered to serve him dinner.
Both positive experiences!
Love it, Charissa!
My husband had to suddenly fly to the Midwest AND my parents were out of town this week so I had to ask a friend to let my kids tag along to school with her kids. I HATE asking people for stuff. She was delighted to help though (I think?)
Am also the oldest daughter. Obviously 🙄
Of course you are! And of course she was!
the unexpected gift is an absolute nightmare! I've been listening to/reading a bunch of material on different friendships and family structures - it's so fascinating! there are so many ways we could be more involved in each others lives, either as a favor or as just general reciprocity, and yet we still feel like we need to go it alone most of the time.
yes, I wonder how much of this is a cultural curse.
I've had to lean into this more in the last year with two bigger life changes: becoming a cat parent and receiving treatment for my depression, which I'm unable to drive home from. I am the oldest daughter and feel extremely guilty about asking for help. It's something I'm slowly unpacking in therapy, and I'm realizing how nice it is to ask my coworker to check on my cat over the weekend or scoop me from treatment. I've been reminding myself how if the roles were reversed I would happily do this for friends if I'm available (and I've checked on a couple coworkers cats!). I try to be mindful of my asks though, so I plan on giving a friend who is watching my feline son for 5 days a gift card to a restaurant in her city that her and her boyfriend like a lot. Thank you for the positive reinforcement to keep asking for help.
Thinking about how you would react if someone asked you for help is such a good reframe!
This has been /such/ a huge theme in my life lately. Asking people for help/favors can be so hard if your brain is wired against it (I’m not the oldest daughter, but I’ve become hyper-independent for other reasons), but it makes life sooo much better if you do.
It's so hard! Hyper-independence is so valued in our culture that many people fail to realize that it can be a trauma response. Good for you for making these changes.
I hit the sentence about taking the Uber to the airport (45 minutes to an hour, depending on traffic, from my home) and it occurred to me that I had been thinking, over the last five or six years, now that we're 3-5 years from retirement, that we're finally prosperous enough that we don't NEED to ask friends, neighbors, or family for help of the "ride to the airport" sort. A sacrifice for them, without being a major one; maybe half a day. Oh, and then can you pick me up on Monday, etc.
What kind of weird dynamic have we built in the Land of the Free and the Self-Sufficient when we're *proud* of being able to do without our village?
I hadn't seen it in that light before, but you brought out in the open for me. Thanks.
I think. 😉