What Happens When We Rely on Shame for Motivation

on breaking bad habits without beating ourselves up

Katharine Strange

Jan 17, 2024

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The cone of shame. Photo by Mike Kilcoyne on Unsplash

Content warning: brief mention of eating disorders

Here’s an embarrassing little story: when I was in my early twenties and trying to bounce back from holiday overindulgence, I would often turn to a YouTube channel for weight loss motivation. The channel in question would repost TV series about fat people trying to lose weight; the most effective of which was Supersize vs. Superskinny. In this show, an overweight and underweight person were weighed in their underwear and then forced to stand next to a clear plastic tube, into which was dumped all the food and drinks they consumed in a week. The two then swapped diets, sitting across from their counterpart three times a day to choke down the other person’s diet, all the while complaining about how ill they felt.

The show was sold as helpful and even “lifesaving,” but in hindsight, it was clearly meant to appeal to the audience’s disgust and to shame participants into short-term dietary changes. In fact, the doctor that supervised the show later confessed that he had muscle dysmorphia—a type of body dysmorphia generally classified as an eating disorder. (That’s not to say that a person with an eating disorder is automatically disqualified from helping others with their diets, but the content of the show seemed to echo ED thinking.)

I visited the YouTube channel yearly. It was a cautionary tale of what would happen to me if I didn’t shed the five pounds I’d gained over Christmas. It was only after a few years that I noticed the name of the YouTube channel: Pro-ana. I Googled it, only to find out this term was short for “pro-anorexia.” Yikes. Was I, inadvertently, contributing to a corner of the internet that encouraged a deadly eating disorder? Was I putting myself in danger of developing one?

This month as I look at what can be gained by giving things up, I’ve been thinking about the how of giving up and whether it matters. Is quitting smoking better if you do it because you love yourself? Is starting an exercise habit somehow worse if you shame yourself into doing it? And is there another way to change that doesn’t involve shame?

My brush with the pro-ana community taught me that trying to improve myself via shame was a losing proposition. Shame can feel like an effective shortcut to motivation, but in the end, it’s pitting physical health against mental health. The reason that this type of thinking is so dangerous is that it feeds the inner critic, who’s always chasing moving goal posts. There is no “thin enough” for her, a state echoed by our culture at large. Rather than focusing on a discrete, healthy goal (like getting stronger or lowering my blood sugar), I wanted to be so hot that no one would ever reject me. And such levels of hotness are impossible, unless you’re Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum's 'Jurassic Park's Shirtless Scene Is Finally Explained

After much thought, I resolved to stop visiting the channel and watching these type of shows altogether.

The trouble with trying to change is that much of human behavior runs on autopilot. This offers evolutionary advantages by freeing up the brain to focus on solving new problems instead of needing to concentrate on basic tasks like tying shoes or commuting, but it also helps keep us stuck in bad habits. In his fascinating book The Power of Habit, author Charles Duhigg examines the story of a man who’d lost much of his memory, along with the ability to form new memories, after a catastrophic stroke. When researchers visited the man at his home and asked him simple questions like “where is the bathroom?” he didn’t know. But when he had to go, he simply got up and went. He could find snacks in the kitchen, he could go on a walk around the block, all without consciously “knowing” any of these locations. This man’s experience demonstrated that habits are stored in a different part of the brain than conscious memories.

Duhigg goes on to outline a basic formula for habits: we see/feel/hear something, which cues up a craving and initiates a routine, which delivers a reward of some kind.

This “habit loop” was brought home to me in a real way when I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD several years ago. PTSD triggers are like habit loops on steroids—the most basic survival instinct overrules rational thought to keep you from danger—either real or perceived. These survival tactics are also known as the four F’s: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Fawn was my personal go-to. In the face of an angry customer, for example, I would apologize for existing, smile through my fear, and tell them exactly what they wanted to hear, whether it was true or not. Becoming a doormat was a useful skill when I was a kid living with an alcoholic mother but it’s generally not a great way to go through life. My recovery involved processing traumatic memories so that my brain could start to differentiate between past dangers and current realities. It meant learning to find the split-second between trigger and response so I could make a conscious choice rather go into autopilot. It was breaking down the habit loop and getting comfortable going off-script.

So as I go about trying to form healthier habits this month, like drinking less and eating better, I know that the answer, unfortunately, isn’t shame but mindfulness. Yeah, I know, I hate it. (And the usual caveat applies to my PTSD buddies, mindfulness can make PTSD worse, talk with your therapist, etc.) But the promise of mindfulness is being able to make changes without either shaming ourselves or white knuckling it. I’ve even started using an app that promises to use the power of mindfulness to get me to eat less junk food. Will it work? Tune in next week to find out.

What do you think of the “Habit Loop?” Are there any habits you’re trying to reform this month? Share your tips and frustrations in the comments. Also, who is the most controversial person you find hot? Is it Nicholas Cage?

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