We have some strange cultural scripts when it comes to apologies. Observe any playground and you’ll see kid A shove kid B down a slide then, when prompted by an adult, offer a quick “sorry,” to which the other kid invariably replies, “that’s okay.” Isn’t it strange that we teach our kids this is how forgiveness works?
I feel torn about it—on the one hand, it feels important to lay down clear lines on acceptable behavior and teach kids to apologize when they transgress them. In my experience, today’s shove-ee was likely yesterday’s shover, so there’s a certain amount of humility to be learned in this easy forgiveness. On the other hand, where is the sincerity? The amends-making? Are we pushing for a quick reconciliation because unresolved conflict is just too uncomfortable?
Forgiveness and accountability feel like some of the biggest moral issues our society is grappling with, whether it’s facing the fallout of #metoo or our country’s long legacy of racism. It’s Gen Zers cutting contact with “toxic” people and the hubbub about “cancel culture.” Who is worth forgiving? Is any behavior unforgiveable? Can we hold both accountability and mercy at the same time? And what role does *scary Bible word* repentance have to play?
This month I want to look at these questions, using Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s book On Repentance and Repair as a guide.
I wonder how much of our current confusion around the repentance and forgiveness process can be traced back to American Christianity’s backwards views on the topic. In our culture, forgiveness is valorized to the point where reporters think nothing of shoving a microphone into a bereaved family member’s face hours after their loved one was killed to ask whether they forgive the murderer. It’s grotesque.
Likewise, when people are abused in a church context, they’re often pushed into a rushed reconciliation and forgiveness process. There might as well be a playbook: shame victims into silence, swear leadership to secrecy, make a small gesture at prevention (like moving a pedophile priest to a new parish.) At best, you might get a pastor taking a short leave of absence, then coming back with a public apology which congregants are pressured into accepting, lest the church split; all of it accompanied by a side of victim blaming.
And these church authorities can claim Biblical backing. How many sermons, articles, and books have been written commanding us to forgive, no matter what? For evidence, they draw upon the Lord’s Prayer (“Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors”) and Matthew 18:21-22 (forgiving someone for the same sin seventy-seven times.) But, as we’ll see in Ruttenberg’s book, we take these commands to forgive out of their cultural and historical context. In Judaism, repentance is a multi-step process, not a hasty apology. The repentance process is meant to lead to behavior change.
Too often our culture teaches us to be content with half-assed apologies and no change in behavior. At its worst, this enables further abuse.
The sad truth is, for many institutions, coercing forgiveness from a victim is simply easier than holding abusers accountable. This maintains current (comfortable) power structures: men > women, pastors/priests > laypeople, adults > children, married people > singles.
Forgiveness is an important part of our spiritual and personal growth. At its best, it’s a reminder of our own fallibility and an opportunity to rebuild relationships that are strong enough to hold that fallibility. But no one should ever be pressured into forgiving anyone. Withholding forgiveness isn’t the same as being haughty or vengeful. It may be a sign that victims need time to process, or that a perpetrator hasn’t worked the steps of repentance in good faith.
Next week we’ll look more closely at the steps of repentance, but for now hear this good news: you do not have to forgive. When someone wrongs you, the onus is on them to repair things. That’s their burden, not yours.
What does the word “forgiveness” mean to you? Have you ever felt pressured to forgive? What questions do you have about forgiveness that you’d like us to explore this month? Leave a comment below or drop me an email if you want to share privately.
I'm way behind on reading, so maybe you get to this in a later post, but how would you define forgiveness?
In my mind, forgiveness has nothing to do with consequences - I will never suggest any of us just let someone have the opportunity to harm us again just because it's the "right" thing to do. Sometimes we may set since boundaries and take a chance again, but that's entirely personal and on your own terms. Sometimes a relationship is just severed, and that's that.
But I do strive to forgive, eventually, in the idea of "letting go" for my own mental health. First, I have to process, to grieve, to rage, to cry ... It may take a while. But, eventually, I do try to let it go.
That said, I don't think forgiveness is one and done. One day, I may let go and forgive, and the next morning cry at the injustice of it all. For big issues, I find that I forgive, but then I am furious again, even years later. I generally let myself rage, and, when the anger has run it's course, let it go again until next time. There are certain situations that I think will continue this way for my whole life, although I do think the moments come less often.
This whole idea is a conversation in process in my head, so I'm not convinced of anything yet. But that's where I've landed for now. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Thank you for this thoughtful take. Forgiveness, indeed, can be fraught with obligation and a heaviness that comes with being told you should feel a certain way. Great post, my friend.