I'm not married and don't have any kids yet, but I've made some huge changes in my belief system in the past year and knowing how to guide my kids in terms of religion is definitely something I worry about....especially because I'm dating an agnostic while I still consider myself Christian-ish. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and asking such deep and vulnerable and important questions. I feel so much more hope about possibly raising kid in the midst of figuring out my own soul and raising them with someone who doesn't come from exactly the same background. I love the idea of providing a framework within a safe environment for differing opinions and questioning!
This one is really tricky. I think the best is a modification of option 1, let them figure it out for themselves but give them some guidance from a good liberal, far from evangelical church. Beliefs are never forced upon children in Sunday school and there are no "fire and brimstone" teachings. After that they are pretty well-equipped on spiritual matters, learn to reflect on the existence or absence of God(s), and the end result is hopefully a turning away from extremist evangelical culture.
Yes but it isn't so much the denomination as the individual church. Some denominations are reliably liberal and you can probably attend any of their churches and not worry about the kids being "proselytized". For other denominations, you have to be careful to find the individual church that is appropriate for your kids. Our church is pretty liberal, perhaps not as liberal as I would prefer, but good enough for a pretty good Sunday school programme. The results speak for themselves: the young adults' beliefs when they leave vary from agnostic/atheist to mainstream Christian but the nice thing is that no one leaves the church with antagonism or disappointment. Your method of teaching your kids yourself is probably a lot more satisfying and reassuring, but unfortunately we (as a couple) didn't have the time needed to do this, not to mention that we disagreed on what and how to teach. I guess everyone comes up with their own solutions; we ended up pretty happy with ours.
Oh man - this is a tough one. My kids are 14, 12, 10, 8 and 5, and we stopped going to church when my oldest was 11. We were all in, pastors for five years at one point, almost missionaries kind of all in.
For now, I have landed on a “Jesus’s core messages rocked but I don’t believe in atonement theology anymore, agnostic theist” kind of place. My husband I think is likely still Christian, but more progressive/universalist.
My kids kind of watched me deconstruct. They heard my rants, for better or for worse. They know why Im still angry at the church - I was taught to spank anytime kids disobeyed and to be anti-LGBTQ. The judgment, the anti-trans, end times theology, climate change doesn’t matter cuz we’re leaving, the “you can’t curse but you must vote for Trump” kind of bs. I saw family relationships strained and ruined because one party kept evangelizing when the other was an atheist. I no longer believe in hell (eternal conscious torment). I’ve had to undo a lot of harmful theology in front of my older kids.
We experienced a grandparent death recently, and I’ve had to say things like “I’m not sure heaven is real, but I do hope we get to see Grandpa again.” I have said emphatically that I don’t believe hell is real anymore, and my 11 year old said it gave him a lot of peace because even after “accepting Jesus” and getting baptized, he was scared about going to hell.
We talk a lot about what it means to be a good human, especially since we have seen so so many not good human behavior from Christians. And a lot of good behavior from atheists. My older two told me they think they’re agnostic atheists, which is fine. I did tell them I think you can be a atheist and still respect the heck out of Jesus’s basic life principles (love others, help the poor, defend the marginalized, stand up to religious bs).
I care a lot more about raising good humans who know themselves really well and won’t be swayed by someone trying to give them meaning (I was a people pleasing, follow the Jesus crowd, didn’t know herself type - I was raised with authoritarian Dobson parenting 😉).
Whew, that was long-winded. Hope this helps someone.
I'm not married and don't have any kids yet, but I've made some huge changes in my belief system in the past year and knowing how to guide my kids in terms of religion is definitely something I worry about....especially because I'm dating an agnostic while I still consider myself Christian-ish. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and asking such deep and vulnerable and important questions. I feel so much more hope about possibly raising kid in the midst of figuring out my own soul and raising them with someone who doesn't come from exactly the same background. I love the idea of providing a framework within a safe environment for differing opinions and questioning!
Thanks, Hannah! Yes, you will be great even if you don't have all your shit figured out!
This one is really tricky. I think the best is a modification of option 1, let them figure it out for themselves but give them some guidance from a good liberal, far from evangelical church. Beliefs are never forced upon children in Sunday school and there are no "fire and brimstone" teachings. After that they are pretty well-equipped on spiritual matters, learn to reflect on the existence or absence of God(s), and the end result is hopefully a turning away from extremist evangelical culture.
I like how you're emphasizing their freedom to choose. I'm curious, have you found a denomination that you feel like supports these goals?
Yes but it isn't so much the denomination as the individual church. Some denominations are reliably liberal and you can probably attend any of their churches and not worry about the kids being "proselytized". For other denominations, you have to be careful to find the individual church that is appropriate for your kids. Our church is pretty liberal, perhaps not as liberal as I would prefer, but good enough for a pretty good Sunday school programme. The results speak for themselves: the young adults' beliefs when they leave vary from agnostic/atheist to mainstream Christian but the nice thing is that no one leaves the church with antagonism or disappointment. Your method of teaching your kids yourself is probably a lot more satisfying and reassuring, but unfortunately we (as a couple) didn't have the time needed to do this, not to mention that we disagreed on what and how to teach. I guess everyone comes up with their own solutions; we ended up pretty happy with ours.
Oh man - this is a tough one. My kids are 14, 12, 10, 8 and 5, and we stopped going to church when my oldest was 11. We were all in, pastors for five years at one point, almost missionaries kind of all in.
For now, I have landed on a “Jesus’s core messages rocked but I don’t believe in atonement theology anymore, agnostic theist” kind of place. My husband I think is likely still Christian, but more progressive/universalist.
My kids kind of watched me deconstruct. They heard my rants, for better or for worse. They know why Im still angry at the church - I was taught to spank anytime kids disobeyed and to be anti-LGBTQ. The judgment, the anti-trans, end times theology, climate change doesn’t matter cuz we’re leaving, the “you can’t curse but you must vote for Trump” kind of bs. I saw family relationships strained and ruined because one party kept evangelizing when the other was an atheist. I no longer believe in hell (eternal conscious torment). I’ve had to undo a lot of harmful theology in front of my older kids.
We experienced a grandparent death recently, and I’ve had to say things like “I’m not sure heaven is real, but I do hope we get to see Grandpa again.” I have said emphatically that I don’t believe hell is real anymore, and my 11 year old said it gave him a lot of peace because even after “accepting Jesus” and getting baptized, he was scared about going to hell.
We talk a lot about what it means to be a good human, especially since we have seen so so many not good human behavior from Christians. And a lot of good behavior from atheists. My older two told me they think they’re agnostic atheists, which is fine. I did tell them I think you can be a atheist and still respect the heck out of Jesus’s basic life principles (love others, help the poor, defend the marginalized, stand up to religious bs).
I care a lot more about raising good humans who know themselves really well and won’t be swayed by someone trying to give them meaning (I was a people pleasing, follow the Jesus crowd, didn’t know herself type - I was raised with authoritarian Dobson parenting 😉).
Whew, that was long-winded. Hope this helps someone.
This is so great! I love how honest you've been with your kids and how you're teaching them to trust themselves.