To Shun or Not to Shun
Politics! Thanksgiving! Indigestion!
It feels like a cruel joke that Thanksgiving falls just a few weeks after Election Day. I’d blame a lack of foresight stemming from a more politically tranquil time, but turns out this date was set by Abe Lincoln in the midst of the Civil War, so…perspective, I guess?
Since the election, I’ve seen a resurgence of posts about shunning people who voted for Trump, with sayings like “actions have consequences” and this James Baldwin meme:
These posts generally take on a tone of righteousness: I’m sacrificing my relationship to send a message to Trump voters about their immorality. I cannot abide to be in relationship with someone who is obviously so racist, misogynist, anti-LGBT, and anti-immigrant.
It made me wonder: what are the ethical implications of shunning a loved one because of how they voted? Are there certain relationships we ought to consider ending because of politics? If so, does degree of closeness matter?
Everyone is free to be in relationship with whomever they want to be, of course. With the exception of parents towards their children, no one owes us unconditional love. Actions do, in fact, have consequences. It’s up to each of us to weigh the benefits and costs of relationships and decide if we want to continue them.
Some people act abusively and there may be no safe way to stay in relationship with them—I’ve personally cut off contact with one such family member; it was incredibly painful but ultimately the right decision for me.
But presuming that your loved one isn’t abusive, I struggle to see how cutting off a person based on a single action (such as a vote) adds up. Don’t get me wrong: I believe that Trump is a dangerous narcissist and voting for him is morally wrong. But even given that reality, we live in a highly polarized two-party system. I don’t think we can underestimate the bubbles we each live in and how much of our reality is filtered through our deregulated media system. (*cough* Fox News *cough*)
I looked up that James Baldwin quote to see if there was more context. (The internet is dangerously lacking in context.) And guess what? I found out that quote is actually not Baldwin, but rather a novelist named Robert Jones Jr, tweeting under the handle “Son of Baldwin.”
That, in itself, is not disqualifying. There is a certain amount of wisdom to the quote. But I wonder at how it’s being attributed as a response to Trump’s election. It’s a pretty big assumption that a person who voted for Trump denies your “humanity and right to exist.”
This feels like one of those things that tend to get overblown on the context-less internet. Can a person vote against gay marriage and still be kind and decent to gay people? Life is complicated. There are white people who hold racist beliefs and also have Black friends whom they treat with warmth and care. This is often the contradictory nature of being in proximity with people who are different from you—something that’s clearer in small communities rather than big, Liberal cities. You might not like that guy’s politics, but you might need to work together.
I don’t think shunning people who disagree with us is taking the moral high ground. It may, at times, be necessary, but it’s hardly the morally superior choice. Breaking up with a friend or loved one is a serious decision, one that I hope won’t be made in a fit of post-election rage.
One example of perseverance despite political differences is the relationship between Frederick Douglass and Abe Lincoln. Douglass, a formerly enslaved man turned author and orator, criticized Lincoln often and publicly, but also continued meeting with him, eventually becoming one of Lincoln’s most trusted advisors. Douglass certainly had plenty of reason to shun a president who allowed so much LITERAL oppression of Black people, but he chose to pursue that relationship. And our country is the better for it.
Now, is your racist uncle as magnanimous as Abe Lincoln? Doubtful! But I still believe that, if we can hold onto both our integrity and our humility, our words have the power to plant seeds that can, over time, help change people’s minds.
Whether you have the bandwidth to engage in such topics around the dinner table is up to you, of course. If you’re looking for tips, here’s a previous post on that topic:
5 Tips for Talking Politics with Family
Happy Thanksgiving! May you find time and space for gratitude this week.
BONUS MATERIALS:
this article is a good intro to the relationship between Douglass and Lincoln
Nedra Tawwab, queen of boundaries, offers some advice
this post/podcast is spot-on “How Do You Set a Boundary in a Family Like This?”
just for fun:
I’m a believer that we can choose what we want to make a problem, and often people choose problems over creating space for differences, where that space could have led to real change. Political leanings are complex (as you’ve written about), and within my extended family I’ve just decided it’s not a factor I am basing my relationships on. I don’t hold that filter in front of the person. I agree though if someone is abusive this comment doesn’t apply!
Solid wisdom here, Katharine -- thank you!