I’m a SAHM, some days I even wear long skirts. But it’s not a calling, it’s not a vocation, my ovaries and sense of womanhood have very little to do with it (except that now I can take naps when I’m on my period) - it’s just what I’m doing now. I left a job I didn’t like working for sexists who didn’t pay me enough. Now I get to spend my days drudging through maintenance work while listening to Beyonce and taking bike rides in the sun. I’m paying for these days with a diminished earnings and earning potential, less saved for retirement, and some intellectual boredom. But the kids will grow (a landslide, if you will) and I’ll move on to doing something else then. And that thing will not have anything to do with my identity as a woman, but it will probably include napping when I’m on my period.
Ugh, my least favorite home chore is dusting and sweeping. And cleaning the bathroom. I’m actually terrible at cleaning, but I do keep everything decluttered. Also, I don’t mind vacuuming or cooking, but I loathe grocery shopping and meal planning.
Maintenance work in general is very boring, both in the home and at my job. When I ran a business, my first hire was a bookkeeper because I did NOT want to do that tedious work.
I love the idea of errand dates. When I was younger, I invited my best friend over to keep me company while I cleaned my apartment. I didn’t need her help, I just wanted someone to liven up the monotony. Eventually we started swapping cleaning dates - every other week we switched off cleaning each other’s apartment. Ahhh, those were the days.
It’s been interesting to see all the Trad Wife stuff come up in social media in a more mainstream way. I see a lot of it because I follow gardening content, which bleeds into homesteading content, which is filled with Trad Wife stuff. I came out of a church community that heavily influenced Trad Wife before it was a hashtag, and this is the type of audience I have in mind as I write my parenting memoir. So many moms around me felt pressure to “do it right” as they raised their kids.
Cleaning the bathroom IS horrible. I procrastinate this every week, without fail. I love the idea of swapping cleaning. I've even seen some of this stuff on ADHD support with "body doubling" just the idea of someone doing the same thing as you in the same room seems to help those with ADHD.
I do the dishes plus the meal planning, shopping, cooking, vacuuming, ironing etc.. My wife is now the sole earner, I am mostly at home occasionally going out to do volunteer work and teaching. I have no desire to push for a Tradhusbands movement! Don't want to sound pessimistic but I think maintenance work will never be appreciated. Best is to find someway to share the load and push to change the culture of patriarchy.
You don't want to be a tradhusband? I think it could be a great way to gain Tiktok followers! Re: patriarchy, I do wonder how much maintenance work is undervalued simply because it's primarily done by women. Good for you for reshuffling the load.
I’ve been thinking so much about this lately! I also wrote a story recently about how the feminist movement needs to pay attention to the growing allure of trad wives and what that means. Namely, that capitalism isn't serving us too well and we need to refocus on the value of care and maintenance work.
And, love the idea of communal maintenance work. This work can be drudgery when done in isolation, but it can be fulfilling in a group context.
I’ve also been thinking about it in regards to hair. I’m trying to learn how to braid my biracial daughter’s hair, and at first I wondered how in the world I could find six hours to do this “chore.” But it’s not just six hours spent braiding hair. It’s six hours spent with my 12-year-old daughter who would otherwise never choose to spend six consecutive hours with me.
How can we turn chores into opportunities for connection and community building?
Love the way you’ve flipped your perspective! I saw a poster just the other day at my kid’s middle school about an afterschool program teaching kids how to braid. We need more stuff like this for adults!
Love this important reframe. I can hang with most chores, but I despise changing pillow cases??? Makes no sense, I'm just convinced it shouldn't be this hard. Why am I fighting with a bag of feathers once a week? UGH. Haha. Thankfully my partner does it for me when he comes over so I get to outsource it sometimes.
ps- thank you for the infographic on sanitation. I'm currently writing a podcast episode about the history of sanitation and I'm excited to include this as a link.
LOL, not the pillowcases! Changing sheets is such a PITA. Why hasn't science solved this problem yet? BTW excited to hear about a sanitation ep of your pod!
If I could outsource one domestic task it would be meal planning/grocery shopping - if someone could just tell me what to make with a fridge full of ingredients I think I would enjoy cooking. My friends and I joke that we wish we had wives - to know that when you leave a chore undone, someone is coming behind to finish it…when you’re folding laundry, you know someone else is making dinner. My spouse does a LOT around the house, and helps when I ask…but it would be magical to have another adult anticipating things. Also I have been longing more and more for communal living - cooking shared meals, doing laundry together, shopping etc. I’m sure I’m idealizing it and there would be lots of annoying/difficult things about it but I am tired of doing it all.
+1 to wishing for a wife. I shared a house with a group of women for a girls' weekend and the dishes were always done without a fuss?! Some days I joke we should all become sister wives.
Being a woman is rift with should do this or that. When an NFL player extols the “right” way to be a woman you know it’s time to roll your eyes.
On a side note…”It’s become a recurring joke during the that every week is “Infrastructure Week” and still we have bridges crumbling into bodies of water.” …is that in fact true right now? I know I snickered a few years ago and now am reading articles that show progress.
Over the course of our 33 year marriage, my wife and I have generally split duties pretty evenly, with her sometimes taking up more and me doing the same. But in the last year, I’ve become the “trad wife,” at least when it comes to cooking: I plan all the meals, do all the grocery shopping, and do nearly all the cooking (seriously, 98%). Sara is delighted with the arrangement: she gets to focus intently on her commitment to becoming a better artist without ever wondering about what’s for dinner. I call her when dinner is ready, and keep the fridge stocked with soup and leftovers that we can eat for lunch. The funny thing is, I’m delighted with it too: I really like to cook but more so, I like to determine what we eat, to shape our meals to match my palate. It took me a while to lean into this, but these days I just really slow down and enjoy all the maintenance work of keeping us fed. [Note: when the meal is over, I walk away. She does all the dishes and cleans the countertops, which I hate doing. And she’s perfectly happy with this.]
Yes, I think maintenance work doesn't have to be a drag if we have some element of choice in the matter. There is a lot of creativity in cooking. I even enjoy the zen of vacuuming. I think the difficulty comes in when the work is decided inequitably. Glad to hear you and your wife have worked this out so well.
Oh yeah, being assigned work, or having work that you were just designated to perform because of your gender, would be maddening. I think that Sara very wisely doesn’t tell me what to cook at all … I’m sure I’d balk if she did. I only take such pleasure because I have such control.
I’m a SAHM, some days I even wear long skirts. But it’s not a calling, it’s not a vocation, my ovaries and sense of womanhood have very little to do with it (except that now I can take naps when I’m on my period) - it’s just what I’m doing now. I left a job I didn’t like working for sexists who didn’t pay me enough. Now I get to spend my days drudging through maintenance work while listening to Beyonce and taking bike rides in the sun. I’m paying for these days with a diminished earnings and earning potential, less saved for retirement, and some intellectual boredom. But the kids will grow (a landslide, if you will) and I’ll move on to doing something else then. And that thing will not have anything to do with my identity as a woman, but it will probably include napping when I’m on my period.
It is interesting how often these choices feel politicized when they're often practical. Yay for period naps!
Ugh, my least favorite home chore is dusting and sweeping. And cleaning the bathroom. I’m actually terrible at cleaning, but I do keep everything decluttered. Also, I don’t mind vacuuming or cooking, but I loathe grocery shopping and meal planning.
Maintenance work in general is very boring, both in the home and at my job. When I ran a business, my first hire was a bookkeeper because I did NOT want to do that tedious work.
I love the idea of errand dates. When I was younger, I invited my best friend over to keep me company while I cleaned my apartment. I didn’t need her help, I just wanted someone to liven up the monotony. Eventually we started swapping cleaning dates - every other week we switched off cleaning each other’s apartment. Ahhh, those were the days.
It’s been interesting to see all the Trad Wife stuff come up in social media in a more mainstream way. I see a lot of it because I follow gardening content, which bleeds into homesteading content, which is filled with Trad Wife stuff. I came out of a church community that heavily influenced Trad Wife before it was a hashtag, and this is the type of audience I have in mind as I write my parenting memoir. So many moms around me felt pressure to “do it right” as they raised their kids.
Cleaning the bathroom IS horrible. I procrastinate this every week, without fail. I love the idea of swapping cleaning. I've even seen some of this stuff on ADHD support with "body doubling" just the idea of someone doing the same thing as you in the same room seems to help those with ADHD.
I do the dishes plus the meal planning, shopping, cooking, vacuuming, ironing etc.. My wife is now the sole earner, I am mostly at home occasionally going out to do volunteer work and teaching. I have no desire to push for a Tradhusbands movement! Don't want to sound pessimistic but I think maintenance work will never be appreciated. Best is to find someway to share the load and push to change the culture of patriarchy.
You don't want to be a tradhusband? I think it could be a great way to gain Tiktok followers! Re: patriarchy, I do wonder how much maintenance work is undervalued simply because it's primarily done by women. Good for you for reshuffling the load.
I’ve been thinking so much about this lately! I also wrote a story recently about how the feminist movement needs to pay attention to the growing allure of trad wives and what that means. Namely, that capitalism isn't serving us too well and we need to refocus on the value of care and maintenance work.
And, love the idea of communal maintenance work. This work can be drudgery when done in isolation, but it can be fulfilling in a group context.
I’ve also been thinking about it in regards to hair. I’m trying to learn how to braid my biracial daughter’s hair, and at first I wondered how in the world I could find six hours to do this “chore.” But it’s not just six hours spent braiding hair. It’s six hours spent with my 12-year-old daughter who would otherwise never choose to spend six consecutive hours with me.
How can we turn chores into opportunities for connection and community building?
Love the way you’ve flipped your perspective! I saw a poster just the other day at my kid’s middle school about an afterschool program teaching kids how to braid. We need more stuff like this for adults!
Love this important reframe. I can hang with most chores, but I despise changing pillow cases??? Makes no sense, I'm just convinced it shouldn't be this hard. Why am I fighting with a bag of feathers once a week? UGH. Haha. Thankfully my partner does it for me when he comes over so I get to outsource it sometimes.
ps- thank you for the infographic on sanitation. I'm currently writing a podcast episode about the history of sanitation and I'm excited to include this as a link.
LOL, not the pillowcases! Changing sheets is such a PITA. Why hasn't science solved this problem yet? BTW excited to hear about a sanitation ep of your pod!
If I could outsource one domestic task it would be meal planning/grocery shopping - if someone could just tell me what to make with a fridge full of ingredients I think I would enjoy cooking. My friends and I joke that we wish we had wives - to know that when you leave a chore undone, someone is coming behind to finish it…when you’re folding laundry, you know someone else is making dinner. My spouse does a LOT around the house, and helps when I ask…but it would be magical to have another adult anticipating things. Also I have been longing more and more for communal living - cooking shared meals, doing laundry together, shopping etc. I’m sure I’m idealizing it and there would be lots of annoying/difficult things about it but I am tired of doing it all.
+1 to wishing for a wife. I shared a house with a group of women for a girls' weekend and the dishes were always done without a fuss?! Some days I joke we should all become sister wives.
Exactly 😆 let’s just share a cat and not a husband lol
Being a woman is rift with should do this or that. When an NFL player extols the “right” way to be a woman you know it’s time to roll your eyes.
On a side note…”It’s become a recurring joke during the that every week is “Infrastructure Week” and still we have bridges crumbling into bodies of water.” …is that in fact true right now? I know I snickered a few years ago and now am reading articles that show progress.
Ugh, yes, saw that. WTF, NFL dude?
Good catch on the infrastructure improvements. Looks like the article I referenced is from 2017, using data from 2015. So hopefully things are getting better, especially in the rural south? https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/national/structurally-deficient-bridges/
Over the course of our 33 year marriage, my wife and I have generally split duties pretty evenly, with her sometimes taking up more and me doing the same. But in the last year, I’ve become the “trad wife,” at least when it comes to cooking: I plan all the meals, do all the grocery shopping, and do nearly all the cooking (seriously, 98%). Sara is delighted with the arrangement: she gets to focus intently on her commitment to becoming a better artist without ever wondering about what’s for dinner. I call her when dinner is ready, and keep the fridge stocked with soup and leftovers that we can eat for lunch. The funny thing is, I’m delighted with it too: I really like to cook but more so, I like to determine what we eat, to shape our meals to match my palate. It took me a while to lean into this, but these days I just really slow down and enjoy all the maintenance work of keeping us fed. [Note: when the meal is over, I walk away. She does all the dishes and cleans the countertops, which I hate doing. And she’s perfectly happy with this.]
Yes, I think maintenance work doesn't have to be a drag if we have some element of choice in the matter. There is a lot of creativity in cooking. I even enjoy the zen of vacuuming. I think the difficulty comes in when the work is decided inequitably. Glad to hear you and your wife have worked this out so well.
Oh yeah, being assigned work, or having work that you were just designated to perform because of your gender, would be maddening. I think that Sara very wisely doesn’t tell me what to cook at all … I’m sure I’d balk if she did. I only take such pleasure because I have such control.