Responding to-“Is hope the opposite of admitting powerlessness?“. Have definitely had a good share of arrested development around egocentric and magical thinking/ hope as a defense against feeling so miserably helpless in the past. Your article brought to mind how a 12 step program does make a distinction a between powerlessness of say events and influences beyond control and learned helplessness which for me helps get to a more grounded sense of hope that you were describing. Thanks so much for this thought provoking and disarming article/ meditation!
I haven't had an alcoholic drink in over twenty years, but yes, my name is James and I am an alcoholic. And will be, as far as I can tell, until I die. And back then, that twenty plus years ago, I went to AA meetings.
I liked it that I was in the company for the first time of people who acknowledged that drink was a destroyer of their lives and the lives of anyone who cared for or depended on them, that it was not this jolly pints after the game, on birthdays, after work, Sunday lunch, have a couple and stop, culture. Or, rather it was for some people but not for us. Us, the people in that room. We were the old soaks who liked a drink so much we... and that 'we' SO mattered... that we/I could be passing out at 09.20 any morning, to recover by noon, and go for more. Oh yes 'we' liked a drink all right.
And wanted to never have one again.
It was the feeling of openness and honesty in those church hall rooms, of the feeling that they would listen to me as I would gladly listen to them. That I would keep these peoples' secrets and they would keep mine. That there would be someone I could phone up, who would give me time, meet me if necessary, a someone who knew just how I felt because they had, and possibly still did, feel the same way. It was a feeling of community I was not used to.
But... these great people could do something I could not, no matter how desperate I was to stop drinking and stay stopped. They had agreed to surrender to the necessity for spiritual aid, for the assistance of a higher power. I was being asked to surrender to that too. The higher power was explained to me in different ways by different people. It was the better self, a god, the God, a tree in the garden, but always a spiritual something.
There we parted, these supportive people and I. There was no higher spiritual something for this old soak. The weak, battered, failing, questioning drunk, propped up by general counselling, addict specific counselling, person centred, CBT, who knows what all now, was otherwise on his own. Oh, and I had antabuse, which I stopped taking after two days and didn't go back to.
And so I stumbled along. And one day... a December Tuesday morning at 11.15... I took a drink and knew it had to be my last. I had hit the bottom. After all those other bottoms. After all those two-day drys followed by long long wets. This one worked. I had somehow stumbled out of prison. And if I watched myself, I wouldn't be going back.
There was no higher power. No miracle. Just me stumbling along. Still stumbling.
I do wonder sometimes about this whole concept of "surrender" and the promised "spiritual awakening." So much of the work of trying to get better does feel like a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other slog. Christianity is drawn to the idea of miraculous, sudden healing--maybe that's a flaw in the 12-steps as well. Maybe a lot of this decision is just finally being fed up enough that you have the courage to change. It's hard to explain why some people can change and others seemingly can't.
Surrender is a misnomer,made a decision,worked better. Decisions do not require a higher power. If there is one,my feelings gravitate more towards the Taoist concept of "The Way". The Unification Church. For additional "outside readings" consider https://www.orange-papers.info/index.html but tread there cautiously, they've been known to cause an awakening
Decisions don't require a higher power, true, but I think surrender does imply giving yourself over to something greater than you. Maybe "surrender" is not your jam?
I gave up in favor of a different path.One that I hoped would move me in the direction I wished to go. It worked,that was all I asked. Once my direction was reset,I moved on.
Responding to-“Is hope the opposite of admitting powerlessness?“. Have definitely had a good share of arrested development around egocentric and magical thinking/ hope as a defense against feeling so miserably helpless in the past. Your article brought to mind how a 12 step program does make a distinction a between powerlessness of say events and influences beyond control and learned helplessness which for me helps get to a more grounded sense of hope that you were describing. Thanks so much for this thought provoking and disarming article/ meditation!
Thank you, JR! I think you make a good point about drawing lines around powerlessness.
I haven't had an alcoholic drink in over twenty years, but yes, my name is James and I am an alcoholic. And will be, as far as I can tell, until I die. And back then, that twenty plus years ago, I went to AA meetings.
I liked it that I was in the company for the first time of people who acknowledged that drink was a destroyer of their lives and the lives of anyone who cared for or depended on them, that it was not this jolly pints after the game, on birthdays, after work, Sunday lunch, have a couple and stop, culture. Or, rather it was for some people but not for us. Us, the people in that room. We were the old soaks who liked a drink so much we... and that 'we' SO mattered... that we/I could be passing out at 09.20 any morning, to recover by noon, and go for more. Oh yes 'we' liked a drink all right.
And wanted to never have one again.
It was the feeling of openness and honesty in those church hall rooms, of the feeling that they would listen to me as I would gladly listen to them. That I would keep these peoples' secrets and they would keep mine. That there would be someone I could phone up, who would give me time, meet me if necessary, a someone who knew just how I felt because they had, and possibly still did, feel the same way. It was a feeling of community I was not used to.
But... these great people could do something I could not, no matter how desperate I was to stop drinking and stay stopped. They had agreed to surrender to the necessity for spiritual aid, for the assistance of a higher power. I was being asked to surrender to that too. The higher power was explained to me in different ways by different people. It was the better self, a god, the God, a tree in the garden, but always a spiritual something.
There we parted, these supportive people and I. There was no higher spiritual something for this old soak. The weak, battered, failing, questioning drunk, propped up by general counselling, addict specific counselling, person centred, CBT, who knows what all now, was otherwise on his own. Oh, and I had antabuse, which I stopped taking after two days and didn't go back to.
And so I stumbled along. And one day... a December Tuesday morning at 11.15... I took a drink and knew it had to be my last. I had hit the bottom. After all those other bottoms. After all those two-day drys followed by long long wets. This one worked. I had somehow stumbled out of prison. And if I watched myself, I wouldn't be going back.
There was no higher power. No miracle. Just me stumbling along. Still stumbling.
Also (and I feel like I say this every week) but I love the way you've written this
I do wonder sometimes about this whole concept of "surrender" and the promised "spiritual awakening." So much of the work of trying to get better does feel like a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other slog. Christianity is drawn to the idea of miraculous, sudden healing--maybe that's a flaw in the 12-steps as well. Maybe a lot of this decision is just finally being fed up enough that you have the courage to change. It's hard to explain why some people can change and others seemingly can't.
Surrender is a misnomer,made a decision,worked better. Decisions do not require a higher power. If there is one,my feelings gravitate more towards the Taoist concept of "The Way". The Unification Church. For additional "outside readings" consider https://www.orange-papers.info/index.html but tread there cautiously, they've been known to cause an awakening
Decisions don't require a higher power, true, but I think surrender does imply giving yourself over to something greater than you. Maybe "surrender" is not your jam?
I gave up in favor of a different path.One that I hoped would move me in the direction I wished to go. It worked,that was all I asked. Once my direction was reset,I moved on.