Searching for Community
Creating a caring village outside of church
I’ve always longed for the sort of community I can rely on. You know, the mythical village where we look out for each other’s kids and drop by for coffee unannounced and bring each other soup when someone is sick. The church offered this to greater and lesser degrees, but only under the condition that we all believed the same things. When I started questioning certain beliefs, there was an unmistakable backing away of this supposed community. Perhaps I should’ve expected as much, but all that talk of “church family” had me fooled into thinking this sort of love was unconditional.
I’m not alone in feeling lonely. The percentage of Americans who report having zero close friends has tripled since 1985, and headlines across the western world bemoan our growing loneliness, which is, apparently, as bad for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. There are many reasons for our growing isolation—the internet and social media have been sold to us as solutions, when, in fact, they’re poor substitutes for the depth and richness of face-to-face communication. Declining attendance at church and civic organizations play a role, too. You can’t drive through a town in America without seeing a decaying “fraternal order” of something building—the WW2 generation seemed to socialize much more than subsequent ones.
The pandemic has certainly exacerbated our loneliness. An informal poll of my friends revealed that our collective social anxiety has spiked since lockdown—we’re all out of practice of socializing and it’s got us thinking we’re bad at it, and therefore avoiding it; even though vanquishing anxiety generally means forcing yourself to do the damn thing and see that it’s not so bad.
How does one build community in this day and age? There’s good news and bad: the good news is that we’re all in the same boat. While you might imagine everyone is out there having fun without you, it’s much more likely your colleague or neighbor is DYING for you to invite them to do something. The bad news: building a community takes time. It’s an act of putting down roots, connecting with people repeatedly over a common cause or shared interest. If you’re building community across racial, religious, or economic lines, even more time is likely needed in order to build trust.
But how to get started? It can feel very daunting. When my family moved back to Seattle after being away for a decade, it felt like I had to completely rebuild a community. Here are some ways I’ve made friends:
meeting up with fellow fans of a podcast for a park playdate with our kids
getting to know my husband’s friends from high school and their partners
attending a support group for family members of alcoholics (some of the funniest people I’ve ever met)
attending a library mixer for aspiring writers
through professional programs and fellowships
vigorously introducing myself to neighbors and inviting them for dinner
volunteering (more on this next week)
Putting yourself out there can feel vulnerable, for sure, but I’ve come to realize that nobody is going to do it for me—if I want a community, I have to put it together. And like everything else, the more you do it, the easier it is. To paraphrase the old aphorism, the best time to build a community is five years ago; the second-best time is today.
One final tip I learned from the wonderful “HowTo” podcast: when you're hosting a gathering, give it a purpose and some rules. It sounds counterintuitive, but people feel more comfortable when they know what they’re getting into. I can attest to this personally, I’ve hosted plenty of half-empty themeless parties, but the attendance rate for my Satanic Panic Ouija Board Seance was 100%. (The pod is definitely worth listening to if you’re trying to build community, post-church.)
Journal/discussion questions:
Have you ever been in a community where you felt supported and cared for? What community was it? What made that community so special?
Are you lonely? If so, what changes could you make this year so that you’re less lonely by 2024?
What is the most random place you’ve ever made a friend?
Share your ideas and questions in the comments below!
I've joined my local dance community (Argentine Tango). I was away over the holidays and when I came to an event last night I was greeted by a fan club. Learning Tango is really difficult and vulnerable. The really good dancers are all really encouraging because they've been there!
A new support group is being formed (even as you read this) it is for friends and relations of folks who talk too much-On and On and On Anon,the same thoughts apply to business meetings,those without a topic accomplish little. Those with a pre announced purpose,give folks a chance to gather their thoughts. To misquote others but somewhat apropos "let it based on attraction rather than promotion"-Do what you choose to do,if others enjoy they will flock. If they don't,let it be their misfortune. We were raised in one of the most "communal" societies in the nation-the military. Some of those traits just do not carry forward.