I will never forget the time a friend told me that the reason I was struggling emotionally was because I was not "all in" for Jesus. The irony is that this friend is an actual licensed, practicing therapist. Of course this just had me wondering what exactly "all in" even means...so arbitrary. As I look back years later, from the vantage point of being even LESS 'all in' I can see it for the nonsense pat answer that it was. I can also see the creeping dysfunctionality that was infusing the church and contributing to my unease. What I NEEDED was a healthy environment. I am 100% all in for a gospel of radical love and expansive tables. I think that is enough.
This advice sounds like "the real problem is that NOT ENOUGH of your car is in the lake, keep driving forward!" And from a therapist? Sheesh. Glad you have seen through the dysfunction and made it to the other side
This really resonates. It is precisely what I experienced during my 20 years as an adult in evangelical Christianity. After an infidelity in my marriage, we were sent to a young, kind, earnest pastor who knew nothing about how to counsel a couple through that. Consequently, I spent years believing I was broken, faulty, that if I were holier I could move on and act like it never happened. It wasn’t until I broke away, woke up, and got years of therapy (and years of rage!) that I was finally able to heal. The fact that people in religion are still suffering and erasing themselves in the name of faith or forgiveness grieves me so. Thank you for this post. 🙏🏻
I'm so sorry for what you went through, Paulla, but glad you were able to break away. I've come to see anger as a self-protective emotion. It makes sense that those who'd seek to control us want to strip it away.
Thanks for mentioning rage. After many years of dealing with depression and being told my anger was a mask for my sadness, I realized that the primary issue I was facing was actually rage. As I woman, I've grown really tired of being told that I'm actually sad when I'm just really, really angry. Am I not allowed to be angry? (The answer is - no!)
Again, a wonderfully concise and clear but nuanced analysis. Thanks!
Your comments made me think first of “The Idolatry of God” by Peter Rollins, which compares church to marketing a product to fix your problems, whatever they are.
The idea of evangelism as multi-level marketing is one of the first ideas that started my deconstruction, as I started to wonder exactly what benefits one got from joining church apart from becoming a recruiter.
Also, this MLM concept explains why church struggles with mental health as a concept. Amanda Montell examines the language used in MLM schemes in her book “Cultish”, noting that it’s never the process or the product that is at fault, merely the operative.
So, if you’re not joyful as a Christian in church, it’s always your fault, for some hidden sin, or not being faithful enough, giving enough, or praying earnestly enough. There is never a problem with the “product” or the process.
Of course, I’m biased as I have left church and am training as a psychotherapist…😁
Yeah, it’s great, and really helpful in understanding some of the problematic use of language. She mostly avoids addressing church stuff, but the resonance is strong in places.
"toxic positivity as a ticket to sainthood" - I feel/felt this!
I will never forget the time a friend told me that the reason I was struggling emotionally was because I was not "all in" for Jesus. The irony is that this friend is an actual licensed, practicing therapist. Of course this just had me wondering what exactly "all in" even means...so arbitrary. As I look back years later, from the vantage point of being even LESS 'all in' I can see it for the nonsense pat answer that it was. I can also see the creeping dysfunctionality that was infusing the church and contributing to my unease. What I NEEDED was a healthy environment. I am 100% all in for a gospel of radical love and expansive tables. I think that is enough.
This advice sounds like "the real problem is that NOT ENOUGH of your car is in the lake, keep driving forward!" And from a therapist? Sheesh. Glad you have seen through the dysfunction and made it to the other side
Thanks for this post, I look forward to reading this memoir.
Fellow complex PTSD represent.
welcome to the world's shittiest club?
This really resonates. It is precisely what I experienced during my 20 years as an adult in evangelical Christianity. After an infidelity in my marriage, we were sent to a young, kind, earnest pastor who knew nothing about how to counsel a couple through that. Consequently, I spent years believing I was broken, faulty, that if I were holier I could move on and act like it never happened. It wasn’t until I broke away, woke up, and got years of therapy (and years of rage!) that I was finally able to heal. The fact that people in religion are still suffering and erasing themselves in the name of faith or forgiveness grieves me so. Thank you for this post. 🙏🏻
I'm so sorry for what you went through, Paulla, but glad you were able to break away. I've come to see anger as a self-protective emotion. It makes sense that those who'd seek to control us want to strip it away.
Yes. Well said.
Thanks for mentioning rage. After many years of dealing with depression and being told my anger was a mask for my sadness, I realized that the primary issue I was facing was actually rage. As I woman, I've grown really tired of being told that I'm actually sad when I'm just really, really angry. Am I not allowed to be angry? (The answer is - no!)
Ugh - right? I was told that anger is actually fear. Okay, maybe sometimes, but also, it usually isn’t!
As a woman it’s ok to be sad or scared. It means your vulnerable and men can comfort you. But it’s not ok to be angry!
100% this!
Again, a wonderfully concise and clear but nuanced analysis. Thanks!
Your comments made me think first of “The Idolatry of God” by Peter Rollins, which compares church to marketing a product to fix your problems, whatever they are.
The idea of evangelism as multi-level marketing is one of the first ideas that started my deconstruction, as I started to wonder exactly what benefits one got from joining church apart from becoming a recruiter.
Also, this MLM concept explains why church struggles with mental health as a concept. Amanda Montell examines the language used in MLM schemes in her book “Cultish”, noting that it’s never the process or the product that is at fault, merely the operative.
So, if you’re not joyful as a Christian in church, it’s always your fault, for some hidden sin, or not being faithful enough, giving enough, or praying earnestly enough. There is never a problem with the “product” or the process.
Of course, I’m biased as I have left church and am training as a psychotherapist…😁
thank you, Clint! The blaming you talk about is so real. Did you like "Cultish"? That's been on my list to read.
Yeah, it’s great, and really helpful in understanding some of the problematic use of language. She mostly avoids addressing church stuff, but the resonance is strong in places.