Can Choice Feminism Save Our Boys?

Nerf guns, gender roles, and the modern urge to pathologize E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

Photo by Addy Mae on Unsplash

One of the things I found most shocking on relocating from a red state to the Left Coast was the attitude towards little boys and play. In college I nannied for a lovely woman who positively freaked out when her young son pointed his hand like a gun and said pew pew. “Why would you ever want to hurt another living thing?” she wailed. Meanwhile, my brother and his friends used to play a game called, simply, “war” where they donned their dads’ old fatigues and army crawled through the back pasture launching dried horse manure (“grenades”) at each other. This, I had thought, was normal.

But is there such a thing as “normal”? Even determining someone’s biological sex at birth can be surprisingly complicated, let alone how they may conform to or deviate from gender norms. (For what it’s worth, while my middle brother was crawling around the pasture, my youngest brother was inside playing dolls and dress up, with our conservative Evangelical parents’ full approval.)

We may have come a long way since Free to Be You and Me’s “William Wants a Doll,” but anxiety around gender roles seems to underlie much of our current religious and political division. Not only do we have the trans bathroom panic and #tradwives, but we’re now facing a growing gender divide between Harris and Trump voters.

To a certain degree, this gap makes sense. From opposing abortion and no-fault divorce to trotting out Hulk Hogan at their convention, it often feels like Republicans want to return gender roles to the 1950s—an era where women couldn’t even have their own bank accounts. Many conservatives see growing acceptance of feminism and LGBT rights as threatening to “traditional” families and blame this cultural shift for declining marriage and birth rates.

But 2024 is a far cry from 1950. After a dip during the pandemic, women’s labor force participation has rebounded, with 72% of moms working outside the home (vs. 93% of dads.) Women are both entering into and graduating from college higher at rates than men, and while they lag far behind in many STEM fields and among corporate leadership, women’s job prospects have dramatically improved in recent years. For younger generations who’ve come of age in the post-#metoo era, our concerns about women and girls being marginalized may feel overblown or outdated. My own son came home from middle school last year complaining about the number of clubs that were girl-only, while even Boy Scouts has dropped the “boy,” instead becoming “Scouting America.” While this decision is certainly more inclusive towards girls and non-binary kids, I empathize with boys who crave a space of their own.

In liberal enclaves like Seattle, embracing stereotypically masculine activities can feel stigmatizing. Boys who paint their nails and dress up as Queen Elsa are celebrated in my local Facebook group, while I feel the judgment of others as my sons walk to the park toting their (admittedly ridiculously oversized) Nerf guns. It feels like I ought to be offering disclaimers: “I’m a pacifist! My kids are actually very nice! Stop looking at them like they’re potential school shooters!”

And that’s the fear, isn’t it? When young men make the news, it’s generally for violence. In public life, many stereotypical boy behaviors such as being boisterous or wrestling are viewed through this lens. Many of our public spaces, including schools, prioritize stillness, quiet, and never touching others. These are certainly not the default settings for my boys, and I suspect most others as well. While previous generations said, “boys will be boys,” in liberal circles this has come to be a line associated with excusing rape culture.

I see this shirt EVERYWHERE. Image courtesy of Etsy.

In the face of this dim view of masculinity, perhaps it’s not surprising that the alt-right man-o-sphere is appealing to more boys and young men.

Gender roles can, I think, be helpful. They can be a shortcut towards figuring out one’s identity or dividing labor within a family. But ultimately, roles are meant to serve people, not the other way around. Anytime we have to deny parts of ourselves to fit into a role, we are losing something essential.

And this is, I think, where Choice Feminism has something to offer us. While it certainly has its critics, at heart, Choice Feminism is about empowering women to make the choices that best suit their circumstances, be they around education, work, beauty standards, or whatever. We may disagree with someone’s choice to be a #TradWife, but we can still respect that it’s their choice. We must also fight to remove barriers towards self-determination, including sexism, racism, and economic inequality.

In parenting, we’ve seen Choice Feminism in the reclaiming of princess narratives for girls. Instead of trying to shift little girls away from loving princesses and stereotypically “girly” things, we’ve expanded what it means to be a princess. In movies like Moana and Frozen and books like The Paper Bag Princess, princesses can be smart, strong, and powerful. And they don’t need to be rescued.

But while the message towards girls of “you can be anything you want to be” is growing louder, there’s still a lot of work to do for boys. We need better narratives around what it means to be a man—that you can be strong and soft, tough and nurturing. You can like both hunting and painting your nails.

We need superheroes who cry (like Miles Morales) and men like Doug Emhoff, who are not emasculated by being the second gentleman. And just as we’ve encouraged girls to go into STEM fields, we need to encourage boys to go into “HEAL” professions: Health, Education, Administration, and Literacy. And since professions tend to decrease in average salaries when turning from male-dominated to female-dominated, we need pressure from everyone to ensure that these professions are compensated appropriately.

To me, part of loving my neighbor is desiring their wholeness. Feminism and gender equality are part of that equation, for men, women, and non-binary people, too. It means we need to stop pressuring people to either resist or conform to gender roles. It means reducing barriers that stand in the way of folks making the choices that are best for their flourishing.

BONUS MATERIALS:

• Looking for more tips on raising boys? Check out

  Building Boys Bulletin
  and her great book, Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

• This is a great podcast episode with Ezra Klein and

  Richard V Reeves
  One idea that stuck with me? That masculinity must be “constructed” by each generation.

• Looking for more on #tradwives? Here’s another fascinating podcast with former Trad Wife

  Tia Levings
  and
  Culture Study
  ’s Anne Helen Petersen

• And yet one more podcast rec! Our friends

  Sexvangelicals
  are starting a series called “How to Do Social Justice This Election Season Without Being a Jackass.” Check it out!