5 Tips for Talking Politics with Family

go in with a gameplan this Thanksgiving

Nov 22, 2023

Maybe if we just drink enough wine we can all get along? Photo by Sebastian Coman Photography on Unsplash

In the U.S. we’re celebrating Thanksgiving this week. It’s a time for family, gratitude, overcooked turkey, and trying to steer your cranky uncle away from topics like Trump, the NRA, and “the woke left.”

Generally, I avoid talking politics with family members. I have loved ones who support Trump and, after a lot of post-2016 handwringing, I’ve given up trying to change their minds. My feelings around political proselytizing have become like my feelings around religious proselytizing: I try to live out my values and if someone really wants to know what I believe (hint: they don’t!) they can ask.

While it can be tempting to hide in a hole instead of engaging in yet another round of election denial with Uncle Wally, there is evidence that these cross-political relationships help us have empathy and understanding towards people who aren’t in our group.

Even if you’re trying to avoid talking politics, your relatives might have other plans. So, here are my

Top Five Tips for Talking Politics with Family While Staying Sane This Holiday Season

Go in with realistic expectations. Sometimes I have this fantasy that I’m going to say the magic thing that will convince my relatives I’m right. This is not going to happen. Remind yourself of this early and often. Another tool I use for fraught family occasions is The Family BINGO Board. With a sympathetic partner, friend, or sibling, make a BINGO board with each square representing a ridiculous behavior or statement you’re likely to encounter. Some sample squares: “Awkward prayer that goes on way too long” or “Uncle Jim picks a fight about trans rights.” If you get a BINGO, buy yourself a nice little treat after the holiday.
Listen to understand. When politics are so personal, it’s natural to feel defensive and start planning your counterattack the second your relative starts talking. But this is ultimately unproductive. Instead, take a deep breath, think of your BINGO board, and try this trick I learned in marriage counseling: try to paraphrase what the other person said. “I hear you saying that you supported Trump because you’re concerned about jobs being shipped overseas. Is that right?” Then give them space to either confirm or adjust their meaning. This technique is great for lowering the temperature.
Appeal to common values. Say my relative said something anti-immigrant, I might reply with, “I know we disagree about immigration, but I think we both value fairness, right? Personally, I see a lot of unfairness in the way our country values certain groups of immigrants over others.”
Fight fair. I think of this as going into “speech and debate mode.” When I talk, I’m trying to avoid logical fallacies like ad hominem attacks (name calling,) whataboutism, strawman, and slippery slope arguments. And I don’t shy away from calling out these fallacies in my relative’s arguments, usually in a jokey manner like, “You’re not really coming at me with a slippery slope argument, are you?” Fighting fair also means that if their argument devolves into a diatribe of Fox News talking points I don’t feel bad interrupting to say, “We were talking about ___,” or “You’ve been talking about ____, do you want to hear what I think about that?”
Have an escape plan. You know your relative. Are they likely to fly off the handle? Are you? Cracking a joke, changing the subject, or going to “check on dinner” might be the best outcome you can hope for. Hiding in the bathroom is also an option!

All that being said, I do appreciate other people’s Thanksgiving drama. Give me your dinner-time declarations and your pre-dessert storm outs. Sometimes the big, dramatic gesture is the only language bullies understand. If you can’t bite your tongue anymore, may the odds be ever in your favor.

Are you having a bipartisan Thanksgiving dinner? What issues do you anticipate sparking family arguments? Any favorite escape plans for when the family gets to be too much? Share your tips in the comments so we can learn from each other.

Heretic Hereafter

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