Is Mindfulness *really* the answer?

I don't want it to be

Yes, this is how I *also* experience beach. Photo by Chelsea Gates on Unsplash

It’s officially August—a beautiful time of year where my kids can either be found A.) wrestling throughout the house or B.) whining about screentime. Only 35 more days until school starts!

Last August I was seized by annoyance. It was hot, smokey; there seemed to be no magic left in summer. (Hard relate to this article about how summer is hell for parents.) I would like this August to be less hellish. And while I can’t control how much smoke is in the atmosphere, I can control my own attitude and expectations. No, I’m not talking about making a Pinterest-worthy “Camp Mom” itinerary, but I am talking about embracing my (perhaps in hindsight, ill-named) “Summer of Pleasure.”

So far we’ve looked at how fear and busyness can block us from experiencing joy; now that I’ve committed myself to overcoming my fear and slowing down, how do I get blissed out? Is there a ten-step plan I can follow?

Not exactly. But I have developed a few theories as I’ve tried to find more pleasure in my days:

1. Lingering. As in, trying not to run off to the next activity when this moment is so nice. My normal M.O. is to rush around, trying to cram in as much as possible. Some of this is inevitable when you’re a working parent, but some of it is me trying to live up to the impossible standards of my inner critic. So what if there are dirty dishes on the counter? Hang out at the breakfast table with the crossword. I have to realize that my pleasure is just as important as work, parenting, and all the other adulting tasks on my endless to-do list.

2. Aiming for the right “challenge zone.” What’s fun is different for everyone: for some, it’s physical movement, others like planning parties, or telling stories. I like making things: knitting, baking, sewing, art projects. (Check out this recent Life Kit podcast to learn about your “play personality.”) The most fun comes when I’m working on a project that isn’t too easy or too hard, but just enough of a challenge. Sourdough bread is my white whale. I throw my starter away in a fit of frustration only to make a new one a few months later. What can I say? I like a challenge.

3. Single-tasking. It feels like multitasking has reached an all-time high since Zoom came into our lives. Now I can attend a (probably pointless) meeting WHILE driving my kid to the doctor! Technology allows us to instrumentalize our time ever more efficiently, but who benefits from it? I’m pretty sure it’s not me!

   Even some well-meaning productivity types will advocate for “bundling” an unpleasant habit with a preferred activity (I’m looking at you, Atomic Habits.) For years I would listen to audiobooks or podcasts basically any time someone wasn’t actively talking to me. Apart from annoying my family members (who sometimes had whole conversations with me before noticing my earbuds) I noticed that this constant podcast chatter had some negative side effects: I became a podcast obsessive, prioritizing them over the work I was doing. I even started viewing my family as an “interruption” to the important work of listening to podcasts.

   Not only did my desire for distraction knock my priorities out-of-whack, I became increasingly less tolerant to boredom. The difficulty with cultivating joy is that it means enduring suffering. You can’t have one without the other. From a scientific perspective, your brain craves stasis. It will always strive to return to the baseline. Eat a piece of chocolate and you’ll get a hit of dopamine. But just as quickly, your brain will quickly vacuum up those excess feel-good chemicals. For many of us, our next instinct is to reach for another piece of chocolate, but as Dr. Anna Lembke writes in Dopamine Nation, the actual answer to experiencing more joy is to feel a little more pain. Think of a runner’s high or the rush you feel after jumping into cold water. Pleasure and pain are always a seesaw.

   Oliver Burkeman, author of 4,000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals agrees, “It’s possible…to make a game of gradually increasing your capacity for discomfort, like weight training at the gym. When you expect that an action will be accompanied by feelings of irritability, anxiety or boredom, it’s usually possible to let that feeling arise and fade, while doing the action anyway.”

   That’s not to say I’ve sworn off podcasts altogether, but I am trying to be more present, even in boring, unpleasant, or painful tasks.

4. Okay, fine, let’s talk about mindfulness. Yeah, I know, you don’t want this advice. I don’t even particularly want to give it to you. But learning to tolerate discomfort and boredom brings us, inevitably, to mindfulness. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be sitting on a cushion thinking only about your breath. It can be journaling, it can be walking without a podcast, it can be washing dishes. As long as you can keep drawing your attention away from the past or future and towards the present.

   HOWEVER, there is a BIG CAVEAT if you have PTSD—mindfulness can make PTSD and C-PTSD folks actually feel worse. When I took a meditation class before I’d been through EMDR, I suffered through every second of it. My inner critic made me feel like shit the whole time. Tuning into my breath (which is tied to the out-of-whack sympathetic nervous system) and my emotions (similarly all over the place) was overwhelming. If this sounds like you, you may want to start smaller, maybe with a guided meditation focused on feeling safe. You can also check out this article on Trauma-Informed Mindfulness. Above all, focusing on things that make your body feel safe and calm is a good starting point.

That’s what I’ll be focusing on this August: staying present. Hopefully learning to stay present for the aggravating arguments will also help me experience the joyous moments better, too.

What sort of things help you experience more presence and joy? What holds you back? Set a timer for 5 minutes and journal on this topic. Share your tips, questions, and complaints in the comments so we can all learn from each other.