Do You Have an 'Inner Child'?
parenting, reparenting, and avoiding Cosby sweaters
The first time I ever heard the term “inner child” was, undoubtedly, in the 1994 Tim Allen classic, The Santa Clause. In case you’ve never had the pleasure, it’s the tale of cool divorced dad (played by Allen) who has to overcome his bitterness and workaholism to become Santa after he accidentally commits manslaughter against the mythical figure. Along the way he reconnects with his son, learns the true meaning of Christmas, and all the stuff you’d typically expect from a Disney Christmas movie.
Allen’s foil throughout the movie is the pinheaded Neil, his son’s stepdad. Neil (Judge Reinhold) DOESN’T BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS and also HE’S A PSYCHIATRIST. Nerd alert! You can tell he’s meant to be a doofus because of all the bad sweaters they make him wear. The amount of “shrink” jokes in this movie alone is enough to put anyone off therapy forever.
At the movie’s climax, Neil finally realizes Tim Allen and stepson, Charlie, were telling the truth and apologizes:
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Charlie: That's okay, Neil. You were just denying your inner child.
Dr. Neil Miller: You're going to make a great psychiatrist someday, kid.
Charlie: Nah. I think that I'm going to go into the family business.
Being more of a snarkmonster than a Cosby-sweater-aficionado myself, I knew that terms like “inner child” were CRINGE. The first time I heard the term in my support group, my response was, “I don’t have an inner child. Just inner adults. I’m adults all the way down, like a matryoshka doll.”
I resisted the idea of the inner child. I disliked the vulnerability it implied, that there was some part of me that needed protecting. My idea of myself was toughness—hadn’t I overcome depression and suicidal ideation, survived being broke in multiple foreign countries, and figured out how to take care of myself? Wasn’t I the all-capable person, the one people called when shit needed to get done? I was the PTA president for crying out loud! I was pretty sure that PTA Presidents DIDN’T HAVE INNER CHILDREN.
Being so tough, it came as a shock to realize how much grief I carried for that child version of myself. When my therapist asked me to bring in photos of myself as a kid and spend some time looking at and reflecting on that girl, I almost immediately broke down. When I looked at her, I knew she had so much to carry; that she was trying to do the job of ten adults without any of the necessary tools.
Like I’ve written about before, ignored needs don’t magically disappear. Because my childhood needs to be seen and approved of didn’t get met, I became an adult people-pleaser. But my therapist explained that I could “reparent” myself and, in so doing, release my compulsion to people-please. The result would be less anxiety and more balance in my life. So I decided to give it a go.
This month, I’d like to look at reparenting and parenting. For those of us who have kids, reparenting ourselves while parenting kids can feel like flying an airplane that is still being assembled—a daunting prospect! But while it can seem like an advantage to be embarking on this work without the added work of parenting, I do believe parenting our kids can better teach us how to parent ourselves. This month we’ll look at the following questions:
How do we raise kids while we’re recovering from spiritual trauma and processing our beliefs?
What parenting lessons can we bring to reparenting ourselves?
Can I finally say the term “inner child” without cringing?
To start with, let’s look at what reparenting is. Dr. Eric Berne, the founder of transactional analysis says:
“Reparenting, specifically within transactional analysis, describes the process of a client unlearning harmful and unhealthy ways of being with the self and others. The goal is to learn new, healthy thoughts and behaviors. Ultimately, the clients would experience what they may have missed in childhood.”
While there have been several iterations of reparenting, the current model most widely used is “self-reparenting,” where patients learn to connect with different parts of themselves and offer compassion. What do these parts look like? Here’s what I’ve found out about my parts:
Inner child: playful, curious, silly, creative. Easily scared or overwhelmed. Vulnerable.
Inner teenager: sarcastic, wild, independent, sometimes angry. She will lash out to protect the inner child. When overwhelmed she will seek to numb her uncomfortable feelings with (in my case) alcohol, sugar, or shopping.
Inner critical parent: perfectionistic, controlling. Thinks she is protecting the inner child by constantly criticizing her. Her motto is “it’s better you heard this from me than from someone else.” Mine typically operates out of fear. If I can address the fear, she’ll usually back off.
Inner loving parent: this is the newest, most mature part. She’s the great mom version of myself. She pushes me to be the best version of myself while also offering compassionate self-talk and self-care.
Mindfulness has allowed me to tune in to my self-talk and figure out “who is in the driver’s seat right now?” If it’s the inner teenager or the critical inner parent using maladaptive coping strategies, I need to talk to them as the inner loving parent and have her retake the driver’s seat.
Part of me still feels resistant talking about these parts. I read Sybil in high school and worry you’ll think I’m talking about having multiple personalities. I’m not. But the truth is, every person has different parts of themselves. That’s why it’s common to have mixed feelings. One part of you can really love your job and another part doesn’t want to get out of bed and go to the office. One part of you can be scared of your boss and one part knows they’re just a regular ol’ human.
I’m still figuring out this whole reparenting thing, but already I’m noticing that I’m a calmer, more patient parent and I have found more compassion and forgiveness towards myself. It’s helping me slow down and find space to make conscious choices rather than knee-jerk reactions.
How about you? Have you heard these terms before? Do you have any favorite “reparenting” exercises? Or does the phrase “inner child” make you roll your eyes? Feel free to share in the comments below. And if you have a friend who loves Tim Allen, why not share this post with them?
I think most of the time my "inner child" is in charge. That's okay with me. I'm so happy to see the progress you're making. Although, you've been pretty awesome all along. Hugs, g