"A Man Got to Have a Code"
integrity #4
This quote, I’m told, comes from The Wire. (I’ve only watched one episode of that show was TOO INTENSE for my anxious l’il self!) I first heard the quote on Community, but apparently it originated with the character of Omar Little, a Robin Hood-esque thief who steals from drug dealers and gives to people in his neighborhood.
While I don’t love the word “man” in that sentence (is the implication that women/nonbinary people don’t have a code? Is a male person who doesn’t have a code not a “real man”? Barf!) I do appreciate this nuanced portrayal of integrity in such a morally complex setting.
Integrity is often defined as doing the right thing when no one is looking. I think this definition misses something essential about the nature of integrity: you don’t do the right thing just because someone else told you it was right, you do the right thing because you have developed your own inner code, and you are determined to live up to it as best as you can. Even when no one else is watching, YOU are watching. It’s a moral injury to violate your own code.
This kind of self-knowledge is an antidote to being bullied—something we need more than ever with our current bully-in-chief. But for many of us, developing our own integrity is something we haven’t had many opportunities to do.
If you were raised in a high-control religion or a dysfunctional family, you were likely taught to obey someone else’s moral code rather than to develop your own.
Control and obedience are easy to teach—you just have to threaten a child with punishment or an adult with Hell. Developing your own code, however, is a long process with a lot of room for error. You need mentorship, education, and the freedom to make your own choices and screw up a lot along the way.
This quote from the big red book of Adult Children of Alcoholics struck me:
“Trusting others was never my issue; my issue was in trusting me. Without boundaries, I had no identity, no values, and no morality. I had to construct an identity by taking my opinions about what was right and wrong in the behavior of others, adopting that behavior and acting ‘as if’ I always believed or acted in this manner until it became automatic to me.”
Unfortunately, there are many people in the world who’d prefer we didn’t have our own boundaries and sense of morality. They’d rather use us than collaborate with us in our full humanity.
If you have deconstructed your faith, the big question often arises: what do I believe? Do I throw out all of my previous faith? Are there bits worth saving? And if I do, how can I reincorporate those into my spirituality with those big chunks removed?
I was raised with a literal view of the Bible. My childhood theology was a house of cards: if you stopped believing that Adam and Eve literally existed, the logic of Christ’s salvation came into question.
The process of deconstructing my faith has taken therapy, tears, and time. I’ve tossed out Biblical literalism and belief in Hell, I’ve kept the words and lived example of Jesus. And I’ve added in more room for mystery and uncertainty. I no longer think you need to be a Christian to be a good person. I think caring for others counts much more than any statement of faith.
Now that I’m no longer trying to “win souls,” I have a lot more space to listen to people, and that turns out to be a pretty crucial step in loving them. Loving people is my code, which is expressed in treating them with dignity and working for others to enjoy the same privileges I have: housing, good health, peace, and stability.
Still, I find myself struggling with boundaries, particularly internal ones. I work too hard, as if I’m still trying to “earn” my existence. Then, warn out, I binge on junk food and large glasses of wine as a “reward” for all my hard work. I say that I value myself, but often I don’t act like it. I’m working on developing my self-compassion and allowing myself rest, but it’s still a work-in-progress. I’m working on tolerating guilt.
How have you spent time getting to know yourself? What kind of code have you developed? Should I finally finish watching The Wire? I always love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
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interesting video about Omar Little and integrity, with spoilers
The war against empathy speaks to this directly! They want to shut us off to our inner humanity! It’s despicable. They want us to quiet the still small voice. I relate to so much of what you wrote - and also could not stomach the wire. This makes me want to go watch the good place again though!
Appreciate your post…for whatever reason losing my religion and then my country rocked my world in a ptsd way. Still unpacking old beliefs and hurt after 7 years. Like you I made room for uncertainty which has been freeing and scary. Hard moving forward…I admire Jesus and his teachings but I don’t trust religious Christianity. How did you process your deconstruction?